03055: Found and Lost

The concept of found family is rather significant to members of the LGBTQIA+ community. So many of us find ourselves estranged from our families once we start embracing our full SOGIE, and the need to develop alternate family structures becomes not just important but practically essential. Sure, you can dismiss this behavior as "just" making friends or developing another barkada, but those of us in queer circles know it's something very distinct. 

One of the challenges of found family is that it rarely has some sort of formal bond tying everyone together. Such social networks are formed rather organically and don't have the usual connections that tie a typical family together, like blood relations, family reunions, and whatever else comes to mind. There's no denying that a lot of the people in your found family circle are ultimately friends. And like any other relationship in your life, friendships can fade or get broken. With family, that typically means you inevitably need to reconcile or at least figure out a civil way forward since you're inevitably going to run into one another. This isn't always the case with friends, and I've both witnessed and experienced people considered to be found family just drift away over time or deliberately distance themselves for one reason or another.

This year feels like another such upheaval for us. I've repeatedly reflected on how connections like our O Bar table group have cycled a number of times over the years. But at the very least, we've had the bar itself to feel like a constant, given how we consider most of the performers and the staff as part of our found family in a way. But the past year or so has left us feeling like even our O Bar social connections have begun to weaken and fray, and there are fewer familiar faces and other changes in who the "constants" at the bar are. And while I'd like to think we still have very strong ties to the various performers, I don't think our other O Bar connections are as strong as they used to be.

And that's what has been nagging me - even O Bar is starting to feel less like home. We still encounter some good friends while there. The shows are still good. We still bond with the different performers. But because of other factors, things are starting to feel alien and unfamiliar. Or maybe not unfamiliar - just uncomfortable and downright unwelcoming at times. And this is a weird thing to feel given over 17 years of patronage, with a lot of the same staff present throughout the years. Things really came to a head this weekend, at least in my head. And it goes without saying that I don't like this feeling.

I'd like to be wrong. I look forward to being wrong. But I won't invalidate my feelings either. I know I won't be content to hope things will change on their own, but I'm not sure there's anything specific that I can do that might directly impact or change things for the better. I don't like feeling like I'm somewhat "giving up" on the bar, sort of how it seems many others have, as they've moved on to other entertainments - it goes back to how at least the talent pool still feels like family to us. 

But at the same time, no one wants to feel like crap while trying to celebrate their birthday weekend, especially at a place you consider to be a second home.