It's Rupert's birthday again. How has another year passed so quickly? I don't have a new story to share. I can only cling to my memories of all the good times we spent together. Even now, as I write this, I find myself tearing up because I'm feeling all my feelings again. October will mark five years since he passed, and yet just thinking about Rupert makes my heart feel heavy. And I've been thinking about him a bit more in recent months for some reason.
I guess part of the challenge is that we spend so much time at O Bar, a space he helped bring to life and remains inevitably a reflection of his legacy. But it's also...his place, at least in terms of how I view him. Admittedly, I don't think we ever got to hang out with him outside of O Bar, which is yet another thing on my list of things we'll never get to do with him.
I keep pausing as I write this. It still hasn't gotten any easier.
Maybe part of the complication is that his birthday is always the same week that O Bar celebrates LGBT Pride. It's perfect since he played such a large role in our queer life. It's sad because it means I add my feelings of loss along with the emotional surge that accompanies Pride. It feels almost trite to say it's bittersweet, but it's really the best word for how I feel every time my thoughts go back to Rupert. We're all sad he's gone, and that's a loss that still feels hard to make up for. But it also has its upsides because of so many good memories.
I don't even have a thousand photos of him, despite all those nights together at O Bar and how many photos I take each night when we're there. Every now and then, I find myself going through them just to keep my memory of him strong. It has taken me a few years to recognize that I've probably shed more tears for him than some family members who have passed. That really says something.
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| "No drama!" |
But birthdays are meant to be happy times, and Rupert was never one for drama.
Happy Birthday, Rupert. We miss you. We love you. We hope you're proud of us.
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