0145E: Three Months Later...

During my commute home this morning, it dawned on me that it has been over 3 months since I had ended my relationship with both Tobie and Prince. Yes - for those who just entered the theater, yes I was in a complex 3-way relationship for all of 6 months. And I've only vaguely alluded to this fact on occasion but I've never really dug into things. And I'll admit that it's party because on some level, I believe I felt ashamed about the whole thing on some level. Sure, I knew I was in love and I'll always be willing to devote myself fully to where my heart leads me. But given how unconventional the relationship was, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't immune to how people would question how such a relationship was even possible.

theoretically by gauge0001 via deviantART
The past 3 months have been focused on, well, me. It continues to a period of healing and recovery, of analysis and reflection. I've tried dating around, although to a very limited degree compared to what may be "expected" of someone newly single. But at the end of the day I feel this has been less about testing my limits and exploring new territory and instead trying to find my back to the person I used to be. Or at least something like that.

I haven't been back to O Bar since August, and I don't particular feel like rushing back. And while I know this weekend marks the grand re-opening now that they've moved to a larger venue, I still feel that irrational discomfort when I consider going. And I can't fully explain why - I suppose it primarily has to do with how many memories are associated with the bar, its music and its people. And of course Prince works there on the side.

Things are a lot better at the Sietch, I have to admit. Tobie and I have had our fair share of rough spots as we've stumbled through this whole single life. I know the decision for all of us to part ways wasn't exactly easy on any of us and to some degree I feel like Tobie took it harder than most. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me since it would break my heart to see him miserable. But I know that I haven't been in a state where I could be considered ready for any relationship, even with a guy as nice as Tobie. And naturally the decision to stick it out on the single road has left me feeling rather crummy more than once.

The 6 months of the ASA Family took a lot out of me. I felt pretty beat up emotionally. I found myself feeling ugly, unwanted and a lot less confident. Sure, there were a lot of good times and some pretty magical moments. But in the long run. I've come to recognize how much damage it did to me and thus the tricky path I've had to navigate my way back to, well, myself.

But I honestly feel happier - better, at least a lot more than before. I know I don't feel quite like my "former" self, but it would be unrealistic to aim for that. That would cheapen everything that I have gone through over the past 9+ months. I still have some ways to go, but I know this journey is coming to a head. I have a definite path forward and a bit of a plan as well. I know I have a lot to make up for - to both myself and others around me. But I know I'll be able to do the right thing soon enough.

Plus the whole dating scene is really tiring for someone with my social challenges. I barely talk to anyone new now and instead just focus on those guys I've already established new friendships with. I'll remain on Grindr for as long as I have the appropriate allocations to block people and if I'll probably quit once I run out. Growlr is still there, but the guys that I primarily talk to tend to live on the other side of the world.

Wish me luck, folks. Every bit of support always helps.