0144F: The Prospect of Being Alone

DO NOT BE ALARMED. I know from the title alone this blog post sounds potentially depressing (and it may very well be that). However do not assume that I am actually depressed or anything of that nature. I'm just writing about what I'm thinking in light of recent events and such. That is all.

Within the last seven days, I have managed to watch the movie version of The Perks of Being a Wallflower twice now and I am currently in the process of reading the book. And given how I had initially reacted to the movie, naturally my mind is going into some interesting places. The movie is a powerful creative product on its own. But the book, with the added benefit of being able to read about Charlie's thoughts on various things, is a completely different experience entirely. And I love the story even more for that - how the book and movie versions are so distinct from one another and yet both remain equally brilliant.

During the drive home from Greenbelt with Tobie after watching the movie for the 2nd time, Tobie asked me what I was thinking and if I wanted to process the stuff in my head. Anyone who has been my friend for a long enough time (or more importantly my relationship partner) would know that my brain gets a little weird at times. I am highly prone to over thinking (and you may argue everyone does this), but I don't often talk about what I think about. I try to tackle some of it in these blog posts, but never everything. Not even most of it, quite frankly. And that's just how I work. And those closer friends and of course partners (current or otherwise) do their best to draw me out of my shell during times like this.

Like I had written before, I do not think I am Charlie - naturally there are a lot of things that are different between the two of us. However I do feel a certain resonance with respect to Charlie's character given the similarities in the way we deal with things or even see things. There's that aspect about him wanting to be a writer or his tendency to wallflower to begin with as he observes the world around him and tries to process things in his head. And to some extent, one could even argue that his "gift" of sorts to see all the pain that the people around him experience - it's something that I do to some extent as well. But maybe not just the pain and suffering part - I just watch people a lot. And I try to identify patterns and see the bigger picture or whatever you want to call it. It's how I tackle the world.

My mind tends to run away with itself when given an interesting enough bit of stimuli or information to process. And certainly the story at the heart of this book and movie pair has me thinking about one thing - and this may not seem to be a logical conclusion. But hey, this is my blog about my mind's wanderings. So deal with it.

I realize that I fear the possibility of being alone one day. Okay, maybe fear isn't quite the perfect term for things. It's not that I can't handle being alone in life - there are a lot of things that define my way of thinking and living that keeps me well-equipped for solitude. But I am, well, concerned that should I not get into an intimate relationship with someone and if I remain single long enough, I'll just stop looking at content myself with being on my own. And it's not like I don't want to be in a relationship or anything like that. But the process of looking and being sociable and making new contacts and new friends, well, is just so tiring. And I know that sounds like a very shallow way of looking at things, and I don't know if I can explain thing well enough.

At the end of the day, I'm an introvert. I'm not automatically friendly. All the usual tests tell me the same thing every time I get profiled. And I feel it too - there's a need to fight against my own instincts when I socialize and get to know people. This is why it is so easy for me to routinely cut down my number of contacts (since I feel the term "friends" is inaccurate) over on Facebook. I'm once again down to 369 contacts after briefly experimenting with expanding my horizons and actually crossing over the 400 contacts mark.

So I know that if I get tired enough, I may just "give up" the search of finding someone. And it is not because I believe there's no hope for me or that I even consider the possibility that I might consider myself unworthy of love or romance. But the effort of fighting against my natural tendencies of isolation and introversion may prove too much. And maybe in time I'll recover but that also means being able to convince myself the effort is still worth it - that it will lead somewhere.

At the end of the day, I recognize also that these types of thinking aren't solely because I think I'm fighting against introversion or whatever. As confident as I appear to be in many things such as the work place or my knowledge of geek trivia, I also recognize that I have a fair number of insecurities that run through the core of my being. I don't always consider myself to be all that attractive in the stereotypical sense and I strongly feel that I am a very difficult person to be with for extended periods of time. I have my share of moods and I don't like talking about my feelings or what I'm thinking about. I play life with my cards very close to my chest and I know I judge other pretty harshly.

And the list goes on and on.

So what now? I don't know really. I write about stuff like this so I can process them outside of myself - that somehow the fact of seeing my thoughts turned into words makes them somehow easier to process as something outside of me somehow. And I don't exactly come up with a conclusion at the very end of every blog post. More often than not it leads to more questions, and inevitably more thinking.






Comments

  1. You know what I have to say about all this.
    *hugs*

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  2. As a writer, I'm also more like Charlie (I read the book, didn't watch the movie). I like observing people, just being on the sidelines. As a solo traveler, it sometimes makes me lonely to see people walking around with their loved ones or with their family. But it's always just a cycle for me, of being with someone then losing them. I just accept the fact that nothing lasts forever, not even love.

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    1. I feel that writers naturally drift into this pattern at times - perhaps because when you get down to it, writing is a solitary activity more than it being a social one?

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  3. You'll be fine that I'm sure of. If all else fails, there will always be something relevant to do. Sometimes, life is easier lived compared to thinking about it.

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    1. I really appreciate the reminder, Franc. Good words indeed.

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  4. After reading the book (haven't watched it yet), a lot of things made sense to me and somehow I'm comforted with the fact that it's normal and everybody really is unique. I like to observe, I'm comfortable being alone now (in solitude, not in isolation) but there are times I'd rather have some company :)

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    1. I really hope you get to watch the movie soon! It's a different experience entirely.

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