0141D: Why I'm A Lousy Boyfriend

DO NOT BE ALARMED.

I am not stupidly depressed or any nonsense like that. But as part of this whole Being Single thing, I do want to really reflect on who I am and perhaps more importantly who I want to be. So as a bit of an introspective intellectual exercise, I thought it might be masochistic interesting to go over some of my less desirable character traits and quirks and see how that sits. It may be a fun game - why don't you play along?

First, I play my cards too close to my chest. And it's not even born out of a lack of trust, per se, but really more out of a natural tendency to be guarded about one thing or another. I could try to blame my upbringing and the quirky and sometimes traumatic aspects of my childhood, but that's beside the point. At the end of the day, I have a nasty habit of keeping things to myself until the very last minute. It's something that became more apparent when I got together with Tobie and he pointed it out a lot but even now I'm still dealing with it and trying to be more open about things - with the right people of course.

Second, I'm a selfish bastard. I do tend to think of my needs first above others a lot of times even when I don't intend to. They say that we all need to be selfish to some extent, but at times I fear that I cross that line far too often and thus end up making decisions that trample on others, even those I love. It's partly survival instinct but it's tied into my own competitive nature. I was raised to be an achiever in life and so I do know that I'm capable of making some pretty hard decisions when I think I need to in order to move ahead. And this becomes more apparent when I start making decisions based on that internal hierarchy of priorities like when I'd rather finish a blog than join you in bed or how I will opt to finish a stage of a particular game before finally joining you at the table.

Third, I get lost in my own head a lot. Sometimes it's when I'm just reading a book or fussing over my blog, I literally zone out and get too focused on what I'm doing. Some might argue that it's related to how a pediatrician relative suspected that I may be autistic based on my behaviors while very young or some other nonsense, but there are times when I just can't let go of whatever it is I'm doing. And it's not even about willfully ignoring my relationship partner, it's me simply losing sight of the rest of the world, including you. And it's not a rare thing - it happens a lot, and I know that it takes a heck of a lot of patience to deal with that on a daily basis.

Fourth, I can be a major know-it-all. When I think I know a better way of doing things, then I'm going to stick to it even if you may have a better idea. But when I think you're doing something wrong, I'll probably try to correct you and tell you why I think my method is better. And I rarely pull my punches nor do I invest a lot in tact. For me, the truth is the truth and it should be neutral in itself. It's not meant to be hurtful or mean if it's true. But yes, I know that it also boils down to delivery and timing and there are a lot of times that I screw one or the other aspect of that equation and I end up railroading all over your feelings and your ego.

Lastly, I'm a very difficult and complicated person, period. I have a million and one annoying habits and quirks from almost randomly displaying OCD-like behaviors but the next moment being totally lazy about cleaning the house. I have odd moods. I do weird things in my sleep. I look at the world in a very different way. There are so many things about me that don't make much sense when you put them all together, but then they they are and whoever gets involved with me is just forced to deal with me. I'm weird in so many different ways and when you add in all the other factors I listed above, it makes for on weird and challenging ride.

I'm sure there are more things to be concerned about, but I think these are the bigger ones. Or at least they're the ones that come to mind right now. Was this helpful? I don't know. But all of these things are probably things that need to be said.

It's really a question of what to do next.