It goes without saying that life is pretty complicated. No matter you look at things or how well you think you understand everything around you, there is no denying the inevitable complicated nature of life in general. And that's not a bad thing in itself - life is complex because human beings are wonderfully unique and quirky and the interaction of people with one another inevitably leads to a near infinite number of possible paths forward into the future. Every choice and decision that we make sends ripples of change throughout reality, thus adding just a little bit more to the complex tapestry of the universe as a whole.
Sounds pretty heavy for the kind of thinking one has upon waking up, eh?
At times I can't help but wonder if I'm just over thinking this whole need to be single and the supposed journey that I'm on now. From last Sunday's forum on being single, I remember someone pretty much challenged the notion that one needed to find oneself after a break-up as I was claiming to do. Of course he was speaking from the perspective of why we need to adopt such Western thinking as part of our culture, which was cute but not exactly helpful to my situation. But naturally it has gotten me thinking along related tangents and such.
There are people who complain that they have been "single since birth" whereas I find myself to have lived the opposite life. Shortly after I realized that I was a sexual being and made that next step towards adulthood, it seems that I've managed to almost always remain "safely" connected to the relationship tether. And I've held on to that line pretty consistently over the years, which is probably why so many people were shocked to hear that I was actually single again after the most recent break-up.
I know I can complicate things even further than they already are - it's a weird side effect of my rather cerebral nature and my tendency to be rather introspective about even the simplest of matters. My brain never really stops churning along and trying to process and re-process ideas. An ex-boyfriend used to call this my tendency to chew on things until they were clearly flavorless, textureless blogs still in my mouth. Sooner or later you just have to swallow it, right?
I admit that I don't really know what I'm "looking" for in any precise terms. I just know that I don't feel fully right with myself and I know that I'm not ready to get into a serious commitment anytime soon. And this is a difficult decision to hold to since at times I feel that almost every instinct in my body is urging me in that direction. A lot of things about me feel more geared towards being in a relationship that it's hard to think of fully adopting the single mindset.
For example, friend commented on one of my more "emo" updates today that I just needed to indulge in a little safe promiscuity and see how that goes. But I know that I find hooking up with strangers an almost alien concept and I don't see myself magically adopting the "NSA" mindset any time soon. You could say that perhaps I'm just too old for that sort of thing - and that may not even connect to my turning 30 next week but instead may be about me always being more of an old soul at heart, if you believe in that sort of thing.
And that's an interesting thing in itself - turning 30. It's only truly significant since we're raised with Base 10 thinking and thus numbers that end in zero become somewhat more important as a result. But hey, people have always said that I tend to carry myself in a rather mature manner for my age, so I might as well embrace any label that better justifies my overall demeanor, right? Or is this precisely the sort of thinking that is putting me in such a complicated situation that I need to go the opposite route and learn to relax, let go and be a little more reckless instead?
Hay, even this blog seems pointless to me. It's a lot of circular arguments and emotional venting that normally I wouldn't want to pander to, but I thought it might be worth a shot this morning if only to help clear my head and make room for other lines of thought. All this may not much sense to you, as a reader, but I'd like to hope that it helps me somewhere further down the path. It's just a matter of the wheels in my head turning and eventually clicking into place - hopefully due to (at least in part) my musings for today.
Bah, life goes on.
Sounds pretty heavy for the kind of thinking one has upon waking up, eh?
At times I can't help but wonder if I'm just over thinking this whole need to be single and the supposed journey that I'm on now. From last Sunday's forum on being single, I remember someone pretty much challenged the notion that one needed to find oneself after a break-up as I was claiming to do. Of course he was speaking from the perspective of why we need to adopt such Western thinking as part of our culture, which was cute but not exactly helpful to my situation. But naturally it has gotten me thinking along related tangents and such.
There are people who complain that they have been "single since birth" whereas I find myself to have lived the opposite life. Shortly after I realized that I was a sexual being and made that next step towards adulthood, it seems that I've managed to almost always remain "safely" connected to the relationship tether. And I've held on to that line pretty consistently over the years, which is probably why so many people were shocked to hear that I was actually single again after the most recent break-up.
I know I can complicate things even further than they already are - it's a weird side effect of my rather cerebral nature and my tendency to be rather introspective about even the simplest of matters. My brain never really stops churning along and trying to process and re-process ideas. An ex-boyfriend used to call this my tendency to chew on things until they were clearly flavorless, textureless blogs still in my mouth. Sooner or later you just have to swallow it, right?
I admit that I don't really know what I'm "looking" for in any precise terms. I just know that I don't feel fully right with myself and I know that I'm not ready to get into a serious commitment anytime soon. And this is a difficult decision to hold to since at times I feel that almost every instinct in my body is urging me in that direction. A lot of things about me feel more geared towards being in a relationship that it's hard to think of fully adopting the single mindset.
For example, friend commented on one of my more "emo" updates today that I just needed to indulge in a little safe promiscuity and see how that goes. But I know that I find hooking up with strangers an almost alien concept and I don't see myself magically adopting the "NSA" mindset any time soon. You could say that perhaps I'm just too old for that sort of thing - and that may not even connect to my turning 30 next week but instead may be about me always being more of an old soul at heart, if you believe in that sort of thing.
And that's an interesting thing in itself - turning 30. It's only truly significant since we're raised with Base 10 thinking and thus numbers that end in zero become somewhat more important as a result. But hey, people have always said that I tend to carry myself in a rather mature manner for my age, so I might as well embrace any label that better justifies my overall demeanor, right? Or is this precisely the sort of thinking that is putting me in such a complicated situation that I need to go the opposite route and learn to relax, let go and be a little more reckless instead?
Hay, even this blog seems pointless to me. It's a lot of circular arguments and emotional venting that normally I wouldn't want to pander to, but I thought it might be worth a shot this morning if only to help clear my head and make room for other lines of thought. All this may not much sense to you, as a reader, but I'd like to hope that it helps me somewhere further down the path. It's just a matter of the wheels in my head turning and eventually clicking into place - hopefully due to (at least in part) my musings for today.
Bah, life goes on.
Haaay ...you can do it, Rocky. :) You're pretty strong. :) I know you can!
ReplyDelete~Chai
http://chenmeicai.blogspot.com
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chai.
DeleteSleeping around just makes things more confusing, IMO. Personally it's something I instinctively seek whenever I'm single, but recently I've been leery of it because a few hours of fun no longer justifies the baggage that even non-committed relationships bring.
ReplyDeleteSo, like you Rocky, I'm stamping out safe promiscuity for the time being. :D
+1 on the post!
I'll take your word for it since I've never really ever slept around in that regard, hehe. Thanks for the support, BJ.
DeleteOhmygod wocky you have so many words in your head. As your older sister... I feel obligated to... ROLL MY EYES... and tell you... You'll be FIIIIIIINNNNEEEE. And how do I know?? Coz I'm older than you and I'm always right of course. ;)
ReplyDeleteHehe, thanks Min.
Delete