0141B: Personal Metamorphic Cycles

Special Biology Field Trip (2nd Year HS)

My second year of high school was a particularly pivotal moment in my life given it marked a period of significant change for me. Starting with my reflections on how my freshman year had gone (and there are way too many stories to be told about THAT period) and the death of my grandmother, something just happened and my life changed in so many different ways.

There was no active decision to go through this process of reflection, analysis and deconstruction of almost everything that I believed in. It just started to happen while I was busy with radio plays, Flowers of Algernon and all the other things that keep high school interesting. And before high school was over, I had come to many realizations about the person that I wanted to be and what was truly important to me. For example, it was after that significant period of internal change was the realization that I wasn't keen on religion nor did I feel I was an atheist just yet. I also somehow came up with my value system and sort of how I wanted to deal with other people whenever possible.

And of course it was after this period that I came to more fully accept that I was in fact gay. So yeah, it was a very important transition.

I wonder if that is what I'm going through now - the first metamorphosis was not something I identified while it was going on. It was more something that I realized in hindsight when the dust had settled and I was determined to embrace my new homosexual intellectual paradigm.

So maybe that's what this whole single period is supposed to be about - a period of personal change to prepare me for the next phase in my life. That's assuming I am on the brink of a such a new phase or if I actually am in needing "changing". This notion seems to raise too many questions in my head, which is ironic since this is the result of the same thinking that I hope will navigate me beyond this period.

Like back during my high school period, I find myself questioning a lot of things about the past few years. Do I really enjoy traveling? Should I try traveling by myself or with friends other than my relationship-related partners? Do I really want to hit the bars as much as we used to? Just how much gaming do I want to invest in? Do I always need to watch stage plays and musicals with other people or should I try going alone? And these are just examples of the more shallow questions that come to mind. I won't bother you all with the heavier stuff.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to constantly move forward. There needs to be progress or all of this may be for naught - or maybe I'm just too conditioned by my upbringing to be a bit of an achiever and to want to do this well and as efficiently as possible. If anything, I cannot just allow my life to be conquered by this internal struggle and sense of self-doubt and such. Activities like yesterday's forum on being single are certainly helpful since they provide me alternative ideas to consider. Talking to friends is also a generally helpful activity, a long as I actually share stuff of value with them assuming I trust them.

Oh life.

I wonder if life was really simpler when I was still this kid...