01404: The Quest for Answers Amid Many Unanswered Questions

As with any break-up, there are a lot of unanswered questions. People on the outside, like most of you reading this point, are probably wondering what happened. For the three of us directly involved in this particular transition, we have plenty of our own questions for one another in terms of what happened and how things are supposed to change moving forward.

And of course there are the questions in my own head - the ones that never stop being asked since I'm the one asking the questions. I wish I had the answers, but if I did then I don't think the current state of affairs would have happened to begin with. It's sort of a circular argument, when you get down to it. It's far too easy to get locked in an endless cycle of asking more and more questions without finding answers that satisfy you, and what more everyone else who wants some sense of closure.

Relationships don't end instantaneously. When you share your life with someone else - what more two other people - you end up with a lot of interconnections. Thus there's a very fine line between a break-up and a "cooling-off" as it were. There are those of you who are "rooting" for all (or even just some) of us to get back together, and I appreciate the support. I can't say for certain what the future holds, but on my part there are questions that I feel that I need to answer for myself before I can more forward in any sort of relationship.

Such words are potentially hurtful - I know Tobie and Prince don't necessarily appreciate my introspective angle in terms of this break-up (nor is it fair to expect them too). And it's hard to convince them that my taking this path means that I care or even love them any less than I know I do. But I do this because if I want to come back to the table and re-establish those connections, I want to be the best person that I can be. And I don't think I've done that, especially in the past six months.

Naturally, there are things that I've done that I regret. There are things that I wish I had done differently. And there are many decisions that felt right at the time but now I don't fully understand even with the gift of hindsight. And this bothers me and makes me doubt my ability to do well in any kind of social engagement. And that doesn't seem fair to those I love.

Something, for lack of a better word, broke in me somewhere along the way. I need to fix that. And I'm pretty sure that I need to do this on my own. And once that's done, I know that I'll be with those that I need to be with further along the path. It's how these things tend to work out, or at least so I've been taught by the worlds of fiction and adventure games.

I blog all this because it helps me to see my thoughts as words in front of me - the intangible essence of one's thinking made concrete by letters arranged this way and that. And I'll admit to some extent it's for all of you reading this right now - especially those I hold dear - to sort of help explain what I'm going through. It's not much and it's admittedly vague, but it's still a start, right? 

That has to count for something.


  1. It does.

    And I know I'm not a patient guy. It does feel like I've been waiting for more than six months. But I will do my best to give you space.

    Kervs helped me realize some things and ultimately indirectly made me accept the fact that this is necessary. And I know I love you enough to let you have this space.

    Even if in the end, it may mean you come to realize you want to move on.

    I want your happiness.
    And that's all that matters in the end in my heart.


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