01389: Looking for Spider-Man

Spider-Man has always been, well, important to me. Perhaps it begins with the fact that he was essentially my first superhero - the one that I loved and enjoyed immediately. Maybe it was because like many other intellectuals, I saw something of myself in Peter Parker's struggle to balance a normal life and his superhero alter ego. Perhaps it was because he represented what I wanted to be - a master of both brains and brawn, in a manner of speaking. Or maybe it is as shallow a reason as he was hot and it took me quite a number of years before I accepted my homosexuality enough to admit that I found him attractive. Go figure.

The 2002 Spider-Man with Tobey Maguire was far from perfect, but it certainly had the spirit of the comic book character, and so I enjoyed it quite a lot. And I'll admit that the end sequence of that movie got me weepy, mainly as a Spider-Man fan since that last segment was totally a true Spider-Man moment. But as Sam Raimi continued to direct more and more Spider-Man movies, the end results were increasingly annoying and just plain horrible.

Fast forward to 2012 and I had a lot of reservations about the decision to reboot the franchise and create a new Spider-Man movie. And the decision to go with Andrew Garfield was initially a seemingly strange once since he didn't quite fit the visual image I had for the character (not that Maguire did either). But the trailers showed promise and the initial buzz around the movie seemed cautiously optimistic about the movie as well, so I was eventually keen (or at least curious) to see it.

This particular LGBT Pride weekend has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me, which in itself sort of feels almost like a Spider-Man comic book plot in itself. Whenever Peter Parker's life would seemingly be going wonderfully well, one thing or another would come along to bring him down a peg or two or to keep him grounded. And I'm not just talking about a new super-villain coming along - Spider-Man, after all, was one of the first comic book characters to deal with some pretty real issues outside of his superhero life. That's one of the high points of the character and probably yet another aspect that makes him so relatable for so many people.

I'm a very patient man, I'd like to think. I'm able to endure a lot before speaking up about things that concern me. I like to gather data first - get all the facts and try to understand the potential patterns of behavior around me before I step forward. It's a trait born of a lifelong tendency towards caution - one that has helped me avoid some potentially bad decisions over the years. But at the same time, it has also led to me taking a lot of crap in the hopes that things get better on their own before me needing to take action.

As of late, I wonder if I've been waiting too long. I'm feeling emotionally beat-up as of late and I actually find myself reaching out to the support of friends for the first time in a long while. I say this given that (1) I don't maintain very many close friendships and (2) I was raised to be a problem-solver - one who knows how to handle things on my own without involving (or potentially burdening others). Thus the decision to seek out support is, well, at the very least a-typical behavior for me.

I don't have a resolution for things yet. Part of me feels that it's time to speak up more, stand my ground and not give way so much. The other parts of me are telling me that I just need to be patient, that I'm strong enough to handle a bit more pain and sacrifice and that in time things will course-correct on their own. I don't quite know which side I want to go with right now. Perhaps I'll figure it out eventually. But probably not anytime soon, I fear.

I'm not some comic book superhero after all. I'm just a geek with a penchant for blogging, Transformers and dreams of becoming a full-time writer.

Oh, and my thanks to Jade and Bern for babysitting me today. I really appreciate the effort in making the trek down to Cubao and for accompanying me for the afternoon.
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