01302: Stepping Back From The Edge

I hate renting. It always feels like you're wasting money since it just goes to someone else instead of getting invested somewhere. Every year or so you face the risk of the lease not getting renewed and facing the very real possibility of needing to find a new place only to repeat the whole cycle a year or so later. It's a somewhat sucky cycle, but it's a fact of life, especially when you live in the city.

For as long as I've been working, I've dreamed of owning a house of my own. And yes, with hindsight I realize that in my heart of hearts it had always been "my" house and not one I was fully sharing with anyone else. It's only with the passage of time that I've come to realize how selfish the dream was initially. I'm only human after all.

After I met Tobie and eventually fell in love, I found myself truly wanting to share this dream of finding a permanent home with him. And not just sharing in the sense of telling him about it, but actually wanting to embark on the adventure together. And for those who have been reading this blog (and the older one), you'd know that for the past year or Tobie and I have been making the rounds with different brokers as we try to find a place that we can call home.

And when Prince entered the picture, again I found myself expanding this dream to include him. It seemed the most natural thing given he's already part of our lives for the long term, so why not this dream too, right?

Today it seems all signs are pointing in favor of possibly acquiring the Avida property (actually properties since we're combining two 1BR units into one). It's technically possible - we have just enough funds to make it happen. But at the same time it's a rather significant risk - one that deserves careful thought.

Tobie and I stopped to talk about things and he was clearly hesitant about the whole deal. I was cautiously trying to give him leeway as I tried to figure out in my head if I really wanted this too. That really was the ultimate question after all - was it worth it to go through all this trouble (and financial burden) for a condo? This coming from me who had always talked about the value of owning actual land over the past few years?

Needless to say, we're not making a final decision just yet - or at least we're not giving Avida agent our final decision just yet. Somewhere between the thrill of looking for a place to live for all three of us and the inner desire to finally stop renting, I think I lost my perspective a bit. This was no longer about finding our dream home. It had become an exercise in trying to solve a perceived problem. I wanted to end the rental situation. I wanted to find a place that was more convenient for all of our work locations. And I wanted to finally own property. Those aren't bad goals on their own, but in light of everything else and given the timing, I lost sight of the original goal - to find a home where we could live until our retirement.

And the fact that all those sentences started with I probably should have clued me in that something was wrong. I've always said that once I truly set my mind on something, I know that I'll eventually find a way. In this case, I think I allowed that side of me to take control a bit too much and being determined ended up being driven, to an unhealthy degree.

It took my talk with Tobie and my subsequent IM conversation with Prince to help me process my thoughts, return to logic and find my way again. I still want to find a place to call our own, not doubt about that. But it better be the right one. There's no sense in compromising when it comes to our dreams, right? And this particular dream is about a house and not virtual space in some building somewhere.

I just need to be patient, focused and as determined as ever. The house for us is out there somewhere. We just have to find it - together.